Here is a message I wanted to share from my artist friend
Cindy. We had art classes together
in High School.
Hey friend!
It's such a funny time to get your invite to your new page
because I was thinking about you today. I was in the hospital visiting my dad
(he just had surgery) and was showing him some fb photos when I saw your post.
Hahaa! Sorry I am lousy at hitting "send"
accidentally. Will continue.....
4:37am
Cindy
So... I started showing him and mom your photos of your art,
which, they were really impressed with and loved! And that got me thinking of
you..... So. I just read your "coming clean" article. I must say,
maybe you've become a writer after all!
I hope you don't feel as hopeless as you sounded in your
article! I'm sorry if I am being terribly blunt. I have no pretty words right
now--my mind is so tired. I was just concerned and hate to think you are sad.
I used to think art was my life. Actually, it used to be. I
gave up the hopes and dreams of my art partly because I felt I was beginning to
hate it (even in college when I had to do assignments I felt were not true to
me). Looking back, I can't believe I was so ridiculously "true" to
myself that I chose to give it up rather than pursue it under special
conditions. Does that even make sense?! I thought I could pursue it on my
own... Or after a break, later. Well, then life happened and my art just
didn't. Anyway... I don't admire you because I think you are living a glamorous
life or have "made it", etc. I just wanted you to know that. I think
you don't give yourself enough credit. I DO admire your will to keep your art
alive through difficult times...through life---I didn't! I admire you for your
courage to make that huge leap to a new world, not knowing what the outcome
would be. And, I love to think that you are able to see things and do things
you probably never thought you would. Yes, I think we all have fun seeing your
posts and photos about all the lovely places you get to visit. And, I laugh
(seriously, I really DO) that all your amazing events always seem to coincide
with my trips to the dollar store! But, those events and lovely things don't
make you YOU. You are deeper than that (see, I used "you" three times...I
would make a lousy writer!).
I'm thinking I am just rambling again and not making much
sense. Sorry, I'm tired... I will try harder to focus... I am in a hotel room
with my mom and three kids... Oh my concentration!!!!
I guess what bothered me about your post was that you felt
you were a fraud. You are not! Just because you don't advertise your
disappointments or every sense of failure doesn't make you a fraud. You are
you. You have struggled to be true to yourself even when it made things difficult
or nearly unbearable. The only difference with you and every other person on
this earth is that you are honest enough to admit you feel like a fraud!
Everyone feels like a fraud from time to time. It's only emotion, not truth.
There's a huge difference! Ask around.. Get some really honest answers. I don't
know a single person who hasn't struggled with those same types of doubts. I
know that almost every day I hear from one or another of my friends with real
issues that they don't share with everyone. We are all hiding parts of us from
most people. That's ok. We need to do that for our own sanity and protection.
That doesn't make you a fraud, it just makes you like everyone else!
Anyway... I see that I am rambling... I am so sorry! And, I
am too lazy to reread all this nonsense and delete, so I will leave it to you.
How nice of me, huh?!
So... Everyone thinks I am the perfect mom. Do I feel that
way. HA!!! So... I feel many parts of my life are too personal to share. That
doesn't make me a fraud, it just makes me private. Oh... And, of course, I AM
the perfect mom hahaha!!!
Ok, time to quit torturing you with this endless email...
Just know that if you need an ear, I am here. Not because of who I perceive you
to be today, but because of the friend you were to me in my previous life. You
were kind, honest, intelligent and worthy. And, I just believe that you still
are. Don't lose sight of that! Who cares how much you sell, how "successful"
you are, where you live, who you know? Just remember you are YOU... And that is
something to be happy about.
Take care,
Cindy
Friday
6:40pm
Sean McGinnis
Thank you for your email and for you.
I don't think I'm sad, well not about art. I don't feel like
my art was a failure either, just that I failed at making it work. Just a
statement of fact, if you will. I wrote in stream of conscious pretty much, so
I didn't stop to think how it was coming out... I just got it out... I'm
somewhat surprised that I seem sad. I mostly feel frustrated. I feel beaten
too. But writing, and people's reaction to it were a step I needed to take to
deal with it and go beyond it. the whole thing has just stopped me for over a
year now. I'm ready to go on.
I think when you ramble, you make the most sense.
Fraud may not be the right word. There was just so much
distance between who I really was and what really happened and what I imagined
people thought. I felt dishonest. That is where the idea fraud comes from.
Your message and your being just simply and beautifully you
and sharing that with me means a great deal to me.
thank you.
6:44pm
Sean McGinnis
PS, would you share your message on the blog? could I?
8:07pm
Cindy
I knew if anyone could weed through my words and make sense
of them it would be you. You are welcome to share my email--please edit as you
see fit! I know it needs much editing and would not be offended!
I think what a lot of it boils down to is that we all know
ourselves, or what we would like to have ourselves to be, better than anyone.
It's hard to explain when we feel that people are getting the wrong idea about
us, or we feel we are misleading everyone by leaving things out (not fully
disclosing things?). And then, especially, when our lives do not become what we
intended or imagined... It is so heartbreaking at times. Take heart--- you are
not alone!
Thanks for understanding my ramblings!
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